FMP Monologue – First and Final Draft

 

First draft

How often do you stop to consider the beauty of the world?

Notice how the ant and the leaf play as much of a part as the rain and the sand (think of something better than sand)

It’s a community,

a well-oiled machine, running on the idea of balance and harmony.

And we are a part of it.

Yet for as long as humans have existed, there have been those who believed that the world was theirs to use as they pleased.

Our industrial mindset seeped into every corner and crevice, and eroded, and eroded.

We felt the need to alter our home to make ourselves feel more at home,

and mold it like it’s clay.

Why did we do this? (dont like this line :( )

Because now, even though we are more aware, and we tread on the soil with the respect it has always deserved,

The delicate framework of the environment has been weakened,

the Earth suffers the consequences of our greed.

(quote from douglas adams will come up as text on the screen as well) (this quote doesn’t fit anywhere but i want to try and fit it in)

“Imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, “This is an interesting world I find myself in – an interesting hole I find myself in – fits me rather neatly doesn’t it? In fact, it fits me staggeringly well. Must have been made to have me in it””

We act as if we own the Earth, as if it was made for us.

In reality the Earth is as much made for us as the the hole is made for the puddle.

 

Peer reviews

Getting feedback from others is always important for anything you create, because sometimes it’s hard to tell whether you’ve actually managed to convey the message you wanted, and parts that may seem obvious to you, who knows the whole background to the project, might be confusing to others who won’t know anything about it before they watch/read it.

For my monologue, I asked my tutor to read through it so I could get his opinion on it and he gave me a lot of good feedback on it. The main points he made were:

  • He took two themes from it – ‘community’ and ‘machine’. Communities and machines can both be broken if they’re not maintained. He suggested trying to work the theme of home into this more closely, as that was the theme I chose from the brief.
  • The style is a little cluttered. He suggested removing the redundant clauses and adjectives, making it shorter and to the point. Less is more.

The second point I definitely agreed with and I went back through each line to cut as much as possible. This meant taking lines like “We felt the need to alter our home to make ourselves more at home” and “Why did we do this?” and shortening them so they now read as “We alter our home to make ourselves more at home” and “Why?”. I much prefer this, because it flows a lot better and is easier for the narrator to read. It also lets the visuals do some of the storytelling, instead of the words overpowering the film.

The second point was a bit of an eye opener, because I had never considered ‘machine’ to be a theme in it. I didn’t want other people who watched this to think the same, because I hadn’t meant it to sound like that, so I went back through the monologue and any changed lines that referenced machinery in any way. As I did this, I also tried to make home more prevalent throughout. I changed “A well oiled machine running on the idea of balance and harmony // And we are a part of it” to “A structure built on balance and harmony // It is our home” because it made it sound like I’m talking about the skeletal framework that a house is built around. This also means that the line from later on in the monologue “The delicate framework of the environment has been weakened” fits in better.

I chose not to use a couple of the corrections my tutor made to the monologue. There were certain lines he thought were a bit clumsy or didn’t flow, so I ran through the monologue over and over with my chosen narrator to find out whether the lines were easy for them to say or whether they were awkward, and I made adjustments where necessary. My aim was to make the narrator feel comfortable and able to say it, because then the recording would go more smoothly as there wouldn’t be any lines he would trip up on.

 

Here is the final draft for the monologue

How often do you stop to consider the beauty of the world?

Notice how the ant and the leaf play as much of a part as the rain and the sand.

It’s a community,

A structure built on balance and harmony.

It is our home.

Yet, for as long as humans have existed, there have been those who believe the world was theirs to use.

Our industrial mindset seeped into every corner and crevice and eroded, and eroded, and eroded.

We alter our home to make ourselves more at home.

We mold it like clay

Because now, even though some are more aware and tread on the soil with the respect it has always deserved,

The delicate framework is weakened and the Earth suffers.

We act as if we own it, as is it was made for us.

In reality the Earth is as much made for us as a hole is made for a puddle.

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One Response to FMP Monologue – First and Final Draft

  1. kendalcollegefilm says:

    Yup. Great. I’m pleased that you took mine and others’ feedback on board in developing your VO, and I’m even more pleased that, after effective consideration, you chose to reject some of the feedback. This shows a strong vision of the finished piece, and an awareness that not all feedback is helpful. There’s a great Neil Gamain quote about this—something along the lines of, ‘When people tell you what’s wrong, they’re almost always right… but when they tell you how to fix it, they’re almost always wrong.” Good work, Kitty.

    Like

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